Even Fun Guys Get Depressed Sometimes
This morning, triggered by nothing major (or nothing I feel like talking about) I was feeling kind of depressed (don't worry Mom and Dad, if you read this -- nothing major). In general terms (though not the triggering device here), I've found that the thing in life that gives me the most agita is money. Or more specifically, the lack thereof. Which sucks to a particularly intense degree, since I think money is largely evil. But more on that some other time.
Thus, this morning, I considered chucking it all. The writing, I mean. I'm sick and tired of being poor, and though I believe in my writing abilities, I also know that I can work my ass off, and still not see anything for it down the road, in terms of my screenwriting. And I ain't getting any younger. I'd like to have a future, and my life isn't that much different than it was 10 or more years ago.
I thought about just stopping writing, and getting myself a regular
You often hear people saying that if you can do any other job, you should. I'm not someone who writes because of a burning desire to do so. I don't have big statements to make, or major works of art I feel the need to impart to the world. As I believe I've said before (and if not, I'm saying it now), I don't think of myself as an artist; I consider myself a craftsman. I write because I have a facility for it. I write because I always have.
Now, I'll say that my "depression" was over in about an hour, more or less. I was feeling happy again, perhaps despite myself. But at the same time, though my emotions had reverted to their typical form, my intellect held onto stuff a bit. I'm not giving up writing right now, and do honestly believe I can write well enough to become a professional screenwriter. But I must admit to having my doubts about whether that will matter. I'm good, but not great. And you kind of need to be great to make it in Hollywood, don't you? Who the hell knows? Not me.
Regardless, I'll keep on writing for now, hopefully constantly improving with each successive script, or pass at a prior script. I also know that my doubts are not unique to me, and that we all have such doubts from time to time. But I still need to find some way to continue while simultaneously improving my financial situation. I'd look at full-time work (instead of freelancing), but I honestly don't know a job that I could do well and would also not hate going into work each morning. I occasionally come across a job posting that appeals to me, and I apply, but not the type of thing that I can truly hit the job hunt heavily and wholeheartedly. I'd love something that utilizes my screenplay expertise, but most development type jobs aren't right for me, for one reason or another (again not something worth going into in detail at the moment).
There's always temp work and the like, and/or part time stuff. I'm open to that too. I always wanted to tend bar, but LA isn't the bar-culture town that NYC was, so not sure if it is worth it here. But at least for the immediate term, I think what I need is some kind of regular job, that has regular hours (no overtime, so I can keep writing), pays decently (though I don't need a lot), and is more a job and less a career path. Until I can find the career-type job that appeals to me and for which I'm actually qualified.
Whatever. No worries -- I'm feeling happy again, and I'll figure it all out. I always do (more or less). But I am, of course, open to suggestions!
Tags: self+doubt, writing